Finding “Normal” Again by Vicki Bentley | HOMESCHOOLING TODAY Magazine

You had a wonderful plan at the beginning of the school year for a well-rounded education, envisioning academic excellence and character development in your smiling, well-adjusted offspring. But then . . . it happened:

• Your husband was transferred and you have now moved cross-country, separated from your family or community support system.

• Your husband was deployed and you pray for his safety while holding down the fort alone.
• The morning sickness has lasted five months, and it shows no sign of slowing.
• The house burned down and the rental you finally found, sparsely furnished with blessings from the community, has been “home” for longer than you’d expected.
• The test came back malignant.
• You are now the sole caregiver for an elderly relative.
• The builders have been saying, “Just two more weeks . . .” for two years.
• Or ___________(fill in the crisis)

Even the good stress of joyful events, such as that one tiny bleep on the ultrasound that turned out to be three or the upcoming wedding or family reunion, can blindside us. Ah, the best-laid plans . . .

A homeschool mom who found herself in the midst of great upheaval, with one trauma after another in a short period, recently wrote me:

We got a good start with school, ever so many months ago, but it has been almost three months since we have been able to study regularly. I feel so far behind that I am completely overwhelmed as to how to go from here. Do I just start at the beginning of all the texts again? Do I review and try to ‘catch up’ to where we are supposed to be? I don't know. I am completely overwhelmed by the seeming enormity of the task facing me.

My friend Vanessa, who has struggled valiantly to homeschool the past two years while her husband has been going through cancer surgery and treatments, shares this insightful bit of wisdom: "When life broadsides you, the most important—and difficult—thing to do is re-establish 'normal’. 'Normal' provides a framework for healing."

Start with a Routine

So how do we find “normal” again? When you feel so incredibly overwhelmed, just start with the basics of a normal routine. What are you dropping that you shouldn’t? Meals? Bedtimes? Basic housekeeping? Revisit your routine. I don’t mean the sort of schedule that has you checking the to-do list every eight minutes or dinging a bell to move from lunch to naptime. I mean covering at least the basics and having some regularity to your day.

Knowing what comes next, without having to make one more decision, can be a relief. Children find security in routine, and moms can find emotional freedom in having a basic structure for the day or week. For example: “I'll make a great effort to have breakfast by 7:30, lunch ready at 1:00, and supper at 6:30; everyone has to be in their rooms by 9:00 P.M., whether they are in bed or quietly reading or something else safe (depending on ages)."

It helped us to have a morning start-up time of about 8:45 to meet in the living room for fifteen minutes of family devotions. I would drop all else at 8:45, call the kids, and put on a praise/worship song. We would just close our eyes and sing for one or two songs. We would have a quickie devotional or Bible/character lesson for about eight to ten minutes (from a book and the Bible—no major planning or thinking required). Then we would pray together. Some days, I would have everyone pray aloud.

This routine gave me a consistent, prayerful, focused start to my school day, got everyone in one room, and provided a launching point. That doesn’t mean we didn't occasionally crash and burn later, but at least we started right!

Make a Short List of Necessities

During times of major stress, the house stayed together pretty well because we used a practical but simple chore system (see The Everyday Family Chore System in Resources), which has worked well through miscarriages, deaths, relocations, fifty foster kids, job losses, and more. At a minimum, make a list of the basic housekeeping or cleanliness standards that you consider non-negotiable. For example, my crisis list might look like this:

• Do dishes
• Make the beds (Simplify bed making with easy linens.)
• Wash clothes (Hint: we don’t need fifteen outfits per person.)
• Tidy bathroom daily and clean it weekly
• Sweep kitchen in the morning and clean up spills as needed
• Vacuum once a week
• Clean the fingerprints on the door glass and bathroom mirror (but the windows can wait)
• Feed the pets
• Feed the family

Plan Consistent Meals

Meals were a major challenge for me when life overwhelmed me. I was much better about consistent, nutritious, on-time-ish meals when I made menus. If you are struggling with menus, remember that your family is probably more impressed with eating nourishing food at a regular time each day than with a vast array of new foods each week.

To get into the habit of regular, healthy mealtimes, consider a weekly rotation of the same basic meals. You can work up to scheduling certain categories of meals on the weekdays. For example, meatless meal on Monday, poultry meal on Tuesday, ground beef meal on Wednesday, poultry on Thursday, new recipe on Friday, etc. As you are more comfortable with menu planning, you could even plan a month at a time, if you have storage space for the volume of groceries. I found that when I planned and shopped for a month at a time, I reduced my cost per meal significantly. Some moms find it helpful to make a family project of once-a-month cooking, to stock up on meals or pre-cooked components of meals (see Everyday Cooking in Resources).

What does all that have to do with your homeschooling? I specified those homemaking items first—meals, routines, bedtimes (including yours!), and basic housekeeping—because if your house isn't functioning, "school" won't either. If something has to give, it will be homeschooling that gets the boot.

Plan from Where You Are

Sit down, preferably with your spouse, and re-group. Where are you right now? Where do you want to be at the end of the year? Don't look at grade level; look at reasonable expectations to accomplish between now and the end of your year. The tests will most likely be fine, regardless of where the children are in the curriculum.

And speaking of the curriculum, this may be a great time to evaluate prayerfully what you are utilizing to meet your academic goals. Are you attempting to re-create school at home, or are you creating an environment for a learning lifestyle? Maybe you are overwhelmed because you are expecting too much of yourself or your children. There are many ways to multi-level teach, saving wear and tear on your lesson planning, your schedule, your emotions, and your budget.

If you need help feeling accountable and staying on target, a planner or a notebook with calendar pages on which you can jot your plan can be helpful. The lesson plan book we used (see My Homeschool Planner in Resources) had not only lesson planning sheets, field trip logs, reading logs, and more, but it included a chart and guidelines to set a few goals for each child. I could then focus my attention on materials or activities that would help us achieve those goals.

Anything that isn't helping you achieve your goals is extra and should be included only if it doesn’t impede your forward progress. In most cases, your children have been learning through the natural processes of life. You may be surprised at the cognitive progress they have made, even if you are not where you want to be academically. Children whose parents have had to slow down on textbook studies because of family crises often do remarkably well on standardized achievement tests. They perform acceptably on the tests, and they have learned valuable lessons in how to live through crisis, how to serve one another under stress, and how to trust in God for each moment. I am not recommending that you never expect excellence and diligence in formal studies; I am saying don’t let a temporary setback make you quit or panic. You can all learn and grow through it.

God Gives New Beginnings

The following is a big if, so please do not allow the enemy to condemn you. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, but there can be conviction to make new choices. If you are in your academic situation because of a shortcoming on your own part, remember that the Lord’s mercies are new every morning. I was not always as diligent as I wished I were, or as patient, or as discerning, or doing the job I should have done. But if my children learned nothing else, I wanted them to see a mother who was humble and repentant and teachable before the Lord and in front of her family. I needed to model a Christ-like attitude even when I had times I failed miserably! They needed to see a woman who could admit those failings, humble herself to ask forgiveness, and try her best to rely on God to honor her Lord and her family in the future. I needed to stay on my knees and in the Word. I prayed for my children, just as Jesus did for his disciples (John 17).

You cannot change what you have or have not already done in the past. Just start where you are; ask the Lord to make you a joyful mother of your children; pray for grace, wisdom, strength, and patience; and move forward.

Resources by Vicki Bentley

The Everyday Family Chore System

Everyday Cooking contains meal-planning suggestions, charts, and sample menus and recipes.

My Homeschool Planner is a great tool for keeping your school life together and preplanned, so you can just open the page and start your day or hand it to the children and let them get started.

More homemaking, homeschooling, and time management helps and articles are on our site, www.everydayhomemaking.com.

 

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