Giving Thanks
I sit here in my bedroom, laptop ready, with so much I want to say; yet I am unable to formulate all of it into the words that my heart is using to speak thanks to the Lord.
The truth is, my time in the Word has been rather scant of late, due to circumstances entirely out of my control. But as I ruminate over all that He has allowed over the last couple of months, I realize afresh that it is all out of my control all the time.
It is normal (and good) to mourn and to allow oneself the opportunity to grieve a painful loss. This we have certainly done. But we do not mourn as the world does. We mourn with hope that the world cannot understand.
Then why do I feel so joyful? Why am I at peace? Why this strange ethereal sense of being so close to my Savior at this time?
It’s because of what I have hidden in my heart.
You see, the last two months in the Howard household have been rather disruptive. In the first week of August, my precious mother called to say that she would like to come live with us and that she would be ready to move by the middle of September. That left us with only five weeks to clean out a large portion of our basement and, once that was done, two weeks were left for construction and finish-out work on what would become her apartment.
Day one of construction went along smoothly. We accomplished much more than we originally thought possible in one day. That evening, as Jim Bob and Steve were finishing a few things, I realized that I was becoming rather shaky. I had run up and down the stairs so many times that day that I thought I was just worn out from all the excitement that construction brings. But then I remembered this shakiness from four other times in my life.
I ran to the bathroom to take a pregnancy test.
It was positive.
I began to cry and shake even more. We had been hoping for another child, but it had been so long that I had begun to believe I might be in pre-menopause. It seemed early for that to happen, but I knew it was possible. Yet there I was with a positive result in my hand.
Trembling with delight, I flew down the stairs to the basement and opened the door. Steve was standing right on the threshold and I looked up at him and said, “Where’s Jim Bob?” As Jim Bob came around the corner, I said, “I have a late birthday present for you!” Immediately, Jim Bob burst out with, “Are you telling me you are pregnant?”With tears in my eyes, I handed him the test, and we hugged each other and cried. We were elated because we knew we were blessed by God to be receiving such news!
Our two oldest children were in the basement during all of this, so, whether we were prepared to tell them or not, they knew very quickly what was going on. Steve was a little surprised to be there at such a moment, but we were so thrilled that he was. It made the celebration all the more joyous.
The next few days proceeded as normally as can be expected for a family that is attempting a basement remodeling project, pregnancy, and getting three issues of a magazine finished all at the same time. No sweat!
We worked hard over the following couple of weeks and I began to feel the typical first trimester queasiness begin, although it didn’t seem quite as strong as in my other pregnancies.
Then the week came when Jim Bob was to fly to Texas to get my mom and drive with her back to our home. That trip went smoothly, and now my mother is here to stay. We are so blessed to have her here with us now. What an incredible help she has been; but more than that, what a joy to have her here, sharing day-to-day life with us, enriching our lives with her experience, wisdom, and Christian character. What a blessing to have my children grow up knowing and learning from their own grandmother.
A couple of days after Mom’s arrival, Jim Bob’s parents also came for a visit. We were ready to have a fun-filled week with all of our family. The children could hardly contain themselves.
The next day I began to have some trouble. Looking back on it, it was the beginning of what I had feared since I realized my symptoms were not as strong as normal.
Two weeks later, I went in for a sonogram that revealed that although I was at nine weeks gestation, I was measuring at only six weeks with an empty sac. The miscarriage is finally ending now as I write this. It has been a very long and emotionally draining two and a half weeks.
It is normal (and good) to mourn and to allow oneself the opportunity to grieve a painful loss. This we have certainly done. But we do not mourn as the world does. We mourn with hope that the world cannot understand. We have Christ, and if we look correctly at all the circumstances He allows in our lives, then we know we can even be joyful in the midst of pain and sorrow.
We can also be thankful.
We had to explain this to our children in the midst of their pain. Just because we are Christians doesn’t mean that we are going to escape the sorrows of life. No one does that—not in a fallen world. The fact that we are redeemed means that in the trials of life we are allowed a glimpse into the eternal, the unchangeable, and the magnificent. Christ lives, and with Him so does our hope.
It would be easy and even comfortable to fall into a pity party over this. We really wanted this baby. It would be easy to envy others who have been blessed while we have not. Ah, but there is the real issue: Have we or have we not been blessed this time? I think we have.
I was priveleged to see another positive pregnancy test in my lifetime. There was life within my womb, even if it was only for a brief time.Thank You, Lord.
I had the blessing of delighting my husband with another time of hearing that I was carrying his seed.Thank You, Father.
I know now that I’m probably not in pre-menopause, at least not yet. I might be able to conceive yet again.Thank You, Jesus.
I was drawn closer to the Lord by His Word hidden in my heart during this time.Thank You, my Counselor and Friend.
I was surrounded by a loving family of believers and an elder who came to my home to pray for me.Thank You, my loving Father.
My family grieved together instead of retreating away from one another in our grief. We praised Him through it, and our children learned more about God’s sovereignty over all things.Thank You, our Savior.
His Word became all the more tangible and He has never left me through it all.Thank You, my faithful Lord.
I read a sign once that said, “There is always, always, always something to be thankful for.” I rarely see signs out there in the world that speak a direct truth from Scripture, but this one hit the mark. Maybe Job said it even better:
Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;Blessed be the name of the Lord. (Job 1:14)
Sure, Job mourned, as we have, but he realized something we all too often forget: God is in control, and it’s all about Him—not us. He is always faithful and good. He never changes, even though our circumstances may.
And He promises to work all things to our good and toward the end of making us more like Christ (Rom. 8:28–29).
As this holiday season draws near, and I am taking stock of what I have to be thankful for, I will remember, I will praise Him, and I will thank Him. And I pray that my children will catch this lesson and that gratitude toward the Lord will be an enduring lesson in their hearts. Therein is true peace and joy. May it be yours also this holiday season!